The Vanessa Vodka Saga

Well I decided to run a little festive GIVEAWAY on facyb cos I'm nice like that. No, really I am! I set up three of my gorgeous vodka flavours on the windowsill with the light behind them to get the whole amazing colour thing going on.   Then posted the pics on facebook and asked people to guess the flavours. I had some great guesses from sage and onion to rhubard, ginger and honey to apple. But no one guessed all three correctly so I went with the funniest answer which was Vanessa White with ''essence of love, a sample (yuck) and Dentist's Mouthwash'' 

The correct answers were Elderberry, Cinnamon and Cranberry - that's the fabulous pink one.

  

The giveaway was a bottle of one of my home made vodka liqueurs and I chose Elderberry & Blackberry which I call Hedgerow Vodka. I wrapped it in bubble wrap, encased that in clingfilm, another roll of bubble wrap and cardboard and finally brown paper and loads of selloptape. I went off to the Post Office to post it and two other parcels today. There was no queue, I was pleasantly surprised at that and quite pleased because I was nipping out in my tiny lunch break. I popped all three parcels on the counter and said 'Second class please.' She looked at me with raised eyebrows and said 'Oh, they're not Christmas presents then?' What? She seemed to be insinuating that I had the gall to try and sneak some parcels in the post less than a week before the big day and expect them to be delivered right on time. What I wanted to say was 'No, of course they're not you silly woman.' But I just politely said 'No.' She came back with 'Right well what is in them then?'

Now I am old, I know I am, but post (I feel) is quite a personal thing and back in the day it was nobody else's business what I received OR posted. So I find this question a little rude. I told her there were shoes in one, craft stuff in another and then I kind of got an inkling the VODKA was going to be a problem. I said (quite honestly cos that's how I roll) a small bottle of home made vodka. She asked me what alcohol percentage it was? Really? I have no bloody idea love. I'm one of those drinkers who just drinks it. I don't drink and drive so I have no real reason to look at the percentage - obviously my Health Advisor mate will be leaping up and down and shouting at me for not knowing how many units I'm drinking, yeah, yeah, yeah Jude - The only time I do look at the percentage is when I go to the pub and have a few ales and I like to start on a weaker one and work my way up, that's Mr S's theory and I like it.

Anyway, she almost sucked her lip over her teeth and then said actually it didn't matter WHAT percentage it was (why ask then?!) it still needed to be packaged correctly. I said it was wrapped in two rolls of bubble wrap with kind of shrink wrapped clingfilm in between, then cardboard and then brown paper. She said 'but no polythene?' I said no but half a roll of cling film which was looped over the ends every which way you could wrap it and then sellotape. She said 'Well that's not exactly waterproof is it?' I beg to differ. She said that it needed to be in a polythene bag. I repeated that it is in two layers of bubble wrap the first one is encased in cling film which is about as watertight as you can get. She said it wasn't. I bit my tongue and she produced a LEAFLET. She smoothed it out on the counter and read it to me, she then took a pen and asterisked the bits I obviously couldn't comprehend and passed it to me with said bottle of vodka. 

I could not speak, the man on the next  counter looked at me as if he'd been there too. At this point I considered saying 'Oh my goodness, do you know what I've just remembered I put a Poundland bag round it which should hold it all together really well' But I'm not a liar and I'm guessing she wouldn't have believed me anyway. She went on to tell me that Royal Mail scan each and every parcel and if it is not packaged properly they will destroy it. Destroy it. Yes, DESTROY it, and they won't even tell you, you'll have no idea. I expect I would have had some idea when Ms White said 'Oi, my vodka's not arrived.'

So I left. I realised on the way to the car I should have asked her for a carrier bag and a roll of tape and done it there and then but that's bloody hindsight kicking in again. I considered driving to the next Post Office up the road but didn't have time. So I came home and was still fuming so I phoned Royal Mail Customer Service instead. Amazingly they answered really quickly and I asked them to define what POLYTHENE meant in their leaflet as it does not say bag anywhere. The lady understood my frustration (she'd been well trained!) and said it meant a plastic bag. So there we are, a plastic bag wrapped round a bottle of vodka will hold all the broken glass and liquid without it leaking. Isn't that amazing because when I've ever put broken glass in a plastic bag it has usually ripped it, I must be doing it wrong.

The leaflet was fascinating, do you know that you can not post human ashes, safety matches or filth (?!) but guns for sporting use and live creatures, insects and invertebrates are fine.

So Ms White, your vodka is going back to the PO, I shall wrap it in tons of carrier bags and it will take you a week to unwrap. I shall tell the other post office that it is home made elderberry cordial and not vodka. Enjoy!

A day later..... Re-packaged in a bin liner, shoved in a box with those things that look like Wotsits all around it and armed with my correct postage leaflet I headed to my usual post office. I said 'Second class please?' She said '£2.60 please' and that was it. Posted